| Because apparently, I have to do this. |
[Apr 14, 2010 * 11:21pm] |
Attention:
The office retreat will be from May 10th through to the 14th. Attendance is mandatory. All excuses as to why you cannot attend may go here. I think other people should be amused while I think up new ways to say no to you.
More details will be forthcoming.
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[Feb 15, 2010 * 8:40pm] |
I didn't send anyone any Valentine's Day cards. I don't care for or like any of you enough to send you anything.
Other than the new copy editor, of course. I like her a lot.
In other news, the Valentine's Day party sounded really gay. That is unsurprising, of course, considering it was planned by Spent's very own velvet mafia. When we decide to throw a heterosexual party, let me know and I might actually attend.
That is all.
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| [Future Dated to Wednesday, 1:30 PM] |
[Sep 29, 2009 * 10:14pm] |
I think that something has died in the offices. In the ceiling, in fact. I would make my assistant check it out, but she is too exotic and delicate looking for anything other than bringing me coffee and screening my calls. Which she does very well. I think I shall keep her.
Therefore, I would like one or two individuals to volunteer to climb a ladder and look. If not, I will pick someone tomorrow morning at 11:45 AM and make you all party to whatever the source of this god awful smell is. It will ruin lunch, which should be a bonus to the office bulimics (I am looking at you, art department), but unpleasant for everyone else.
Select your two individuals now.
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[Aug 25, 2009 * 9:10pm] |
I'm bored. If you want to keep your job, I require the following:
In ten words or less, tell me why someone else in your department is less worthy of your job than you.
You may go.
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| The Retreat |
[May 18, 2009 * 7:52pm] |
Right. I know I'm late. I had more important things to deal with. Well, not really, but I don't really give a shit.
As last year, our retreat will be at Camp Steppanee in the Catskills. Since we left really fucking early last year, we'll be departing at nine AM tomorrow. Please arrive by ten to nine at the latest, so you can get your shit loaded into the bus.
We will arrive at the camp around noon. You will get one rest break on the way. Don't waste it.
Anyone who went last year knows the drill. You will be given an itinerary upon arrival by camp employees.
Please pack for the weather. It is supposed to be in the mid-to-high fifties all week at the camp. You will be walking, and you will be doing a lot of it. Pack appropriate footwear and a sleeping bag and all of that shit. If you didn't go to summer camp as a child and need assistance, I suggest google.
They say that you should not bring weapons, drugs, alcohol, or electronic devices.
A reminder that your presence is required unless you have some good reason not to attend, which should already be cleared.
You are to sleep roughly five-six to a cabin. You will receive your assignments tomorrow upon arrival. I'd hate to ruin the surprise.
That is all.
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[May 12, 2009 * 12:09am] |
All right, listen up.
You will be in cabins of between 4 and 6 people. You have 72 hours to let me know who you'd like to room with, and who you wouldn't. Comments are screened. If you don't comment, I'll put you wherever I please.
When this is over, I'll update with cabin lists, and the details about our trip.
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[Apr 26, 2009 * 3:57am] |
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music |
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Welcome to the World - Kevin Rudolf |
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I think I want a new assistant. Well, maybe not an entirely new one. Maybe just a new one to bring me coffee, because the one I have now is competent at the other stuff.
I'm bored, so, mandatory office question (meaning, you need to answer it to maintain your job):
Which of your coworkers would you like to force into bringing you coffee whenever you wanted? Saying me is not an option.
My pick would be that new girl. The exotic looking one who married the annoying one that quit and came back.
In other news, the retreat will be held May 19th through 22nd. Location is still being sorted. So, you know, if you have annoying children or something, this is the time where you make other arrangements.
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| And every once in a while, I like to actually write something. |
[Jan 5, 2009 * 5:31pm] |
I'm going to be completely serious for a moment, and while I don't normally update for that, I figure that it's about time that I did.
Spent Magazine's editorial policy has always been that we'll publish anything, so long as it is interesting. In the decade or so that I've had editorial control of this magazine, we've published all sorts of controversial things. Rude things. Things that offended people. Unlike a lot of magazines, we're not hung up on political correctness, or whatever is in-vogue with the politics of the publishing world at the time. We publish what people will probably read, whether because it is interesting, or because it is shocking, and that sells. It always has.
I think it is interesting journalism. And I know that none of you respect my opinion on journalism (despite my graduate degree in journalism and twenty-five years in publishing), but I sell this magazine. Every month.
Part and parcel with our editorial policy, is my policy on office relations. That is, I don't give a shit what you do, who you hate, or what you think, so long as we publish a magazine every month. Each and every one of you came to this office knowing what the office culture was like. We have a reputation, and you knew that. And you applied to work here - no one forced you. Just as no one is forcing you to continue working here.
If I wanted to police what people wrote in the journals, I would. But, in line with my editorial policy, I don't believe in stifling the speech of the people who work in this office. If you post something inane or stupid, people will probably call it that. If you update to whine about something that doesn't even really involve you, people will probably find you irritating. No one is required to be nice to you, or even polite to you. As long as what they are writing isn't criminal, I don't give a shit.
The bottom line? That's the office culture. The journals are a free for all until I decide I don't want them to be. If you have a problem with that, I suggest talking to HR instead of being passive-aggressive, whiny little girls. It's unflattering, but even more so, it's boring, and I don't deal well with boring.
That's all. Ahahaha.
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[Dec 11, 2008 * 5:13pm] |
Question.
Imagine you cut yourself quite badly and required stitches. What would you do:
a) Find the nearest person, get it bandaged, go to hospital.
b) Go to the hospital.
c) Get on your computer, write a post asking where the first aid kit is, respond to comments, then e-mail your boss, letting him know that you are bleeding, then eventually going to the hospital. While still bleeding. I hope Devon didn't drive her. I hear he picks up a lot of women in the emergency room. I have no idea what that's about, but I love the tension.
Sometimes, I doubt the theory of evolution. And then I see natural selection at work.
Weston, we're going to have a meeting tomorrow. At eleven, no, I should be in before then ten. Your performance this year has not been up to par with the level we expect of our employees.
I love the holidays. That is all for now.
ETA: Also? I agree with Dave. We need strippers. Mexican girl in PR? Get on that.
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[Nov 6, 2008 * 12:51am] |
I haven't updated this thing in ages, my tiny peons, but I am glad that you've all kept up on it. Even Tagg, for whom I am sure it is really painful. Alas, if we're forced to look at his ugly mug and tolerate his shrill fat ass of a girlfriend, it's only fair.
It was much to my delight that I realized that we got some office suggestions in the last few weeks. I'll post them for you now:
I find Ehren disappointing. Extremely.
So when did Rosalyn become insane? I'm honestly curious. She used to be happy, and suddenly all she uses are emo icons and she's finds a unexplainable passion for Native rights. Hilarious.
I'm worried that Emilie's lips are going to fly off her face and hit me in the eye.
Azra = Retard. No offense, but she needs to stop speaking her mind. Nothing good will come of it.
We get it, Johanna. You're suddenly a liberal. I can't wait until the election is over so you'll shut the fuck up.
I had a sex dream that turned into a nightmare the other night. My boyfriend was going to town, and then I looked up and Devon had climbed the fire escape to the porch and was watching us through the window. I'll never be the same.
Sometimes I wonder what Abe is like in bed.
MIKE. STOP TALKING NERD.
So, Connor is actually retarded, right? I don't know whether it's PC to make fun of him or not.
I miss the spite and malice from years past. People just don't bring it like they used to. :[
I swear, you're all about as entertaining as Brighton's drug problem. Which is to say, you're not entertaining at all, just kind of awkward and embarrassing.
In other news, I fired Jack Smolen today. It's like that time I fired Jamie, except he didn't get the opportunity to make a dignity raping apology.
Anyway, I think I've said all that I need to say today.
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| Please Read |
[Jul 2, 2008 * 9:50pm] |
I have some constructive criticism for all of you: get lives.
Everyone has been whining for information about the 'retreat', so here you have it. The 2008 Spent Corporate Retreat is going to take place on Thursday, July 17th and will end on Sunday the 20th.
It will take place at Camp Steppanee in the Catskills. Yes, you will be outdoors, and yes, you are going to be roomed in cabins. It is literally a summer camp that happens to offer a corporate team building something or other. You will all be given further instructions on what things to bring with you.
Attendance is required unless you have a good reason not to attend. Such a reason must be run by me. If you have any disabilities or food allergies or special needs or whatever that shit is, please comment with it below. I don't have time for email.
We'll get there by taking a bus. It'll leave Rockafeller Center at ten to six in the morning and we'll be at the camp around nine, or something.
Anyway. You'll get more information later. I suppose you could leave your inquiries below, if you have any.
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[May 25, 2008 * 8:42pm] |
I'm bored. You're all very boring. I told you all to comment and update, and you've been very disappointing. It pains me then, to force you to be subject to whatever this stupid 'retreat' that Millie is thinking up is. Apparently it is a good 'PR move' or something like that. It is good that Millie knows what good PR is, Christopher certainly doesn't. I remember the days when he used to call everyone into work when I made up scandals, and now he doesn't even acknowledge when I make off-color jokes that get posted in Page Six. Dave, he really needs speaking to. Or replacement. He can sell Oliver's art to make ends meet. And by making ends meet, I mean that he could sell it on eBay for ten dollars and get one night in the filthiest of hostels. In New Jersey, because you couldn't even do New York for ten bucks.
I was going to update about really deep things, like Brangelina's twins, but apparently, the stupid one in entertainment updated about that already. It's a pity; I cannot keep up with such astonishing journalism. I now realize that Weston certainly picks his staff for their intellect and not their luscious racks at all. Oh wait, scratch that. He hired Cecilia, didn't he?
Who else haven't I picked on yet? Well, there is the fat blonde one that Anjuli thinks is ugly. How ugly must one be for Anjuli to start name calling? Yikes.
Anyway, that was all I had to say. I'm going to have a contest, you know. To see who can provide me with the most journal entertainment. So, I'd like you all to comment, anonymously, even, with your top three people that you would like to see made redundant. The winner gets a special prize. Oh, and the anonymous is on, since you're all too cowardly to say such things publicly. Go on, now.
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[Mar 15, 2008 * 2:11am] |
Either I've been poisoned, or I have a bad case of the flu. I might not be in Monday that depends if I stop shitting every ten minutes. No, TMI, so I'll start performance reviews on Tuesday. They'd better be pretty fucking good too, since I've given you all a week.
I will see the following people on Tuesday:
1. Nathan
2. Joey
3. Alek
4. Cecilia
5. Ian
6. Colin
7. Krishna
Weston will have a ten minute interview when I've finished with his staff. His performance depends upon theirs.
If I have time, I'll then start Lifestyles and Sex and Relationships. If not, I'll see them Wednesday, along with Fashion.
Now I'm going back to bed.
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[Mar 8, 2008 * 1:36pm] |
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Ahahaha. Richard, 1. Jamie, 0. I knew that bitch would back down. So entertained.
I've decided that we need to do performance reviews. For those of you who are so mentally handicapped (ie - Jamie) that you do not know what this entails, I'm giving each of you fifteen minutes to show me why you're valuable to this company.
I do believe I shall start on Tuesday. I'll let you all know by Monday afternoon when your turn is.
That is all.
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[Mar 1, 2008 * 1:46pm] |
It has come to my attention that you are all very boring slacking off on your duties in this office. These journals are meant to be a means of inter-office cooperation and discussion, and you're all ignoring your duties to work.
As such, I've decided that this is no longer acceptable. Effective now, I am going to start counting the entries and comments that you're all making. If you're slacking off on your duties, you whiny retards can take a pay cut. I shall reward those who entertain me the most put in the most effort to improve our office morale.
Considering the amount of staff we've lost in the last few months, don't think I'd hesitate to fire all of you and rehire new people if it came to it. I take my entertainment work very seriously. I expect the same of all of you.
That said, I hope you're ready for your presentation on Monday, Chris. You know, the one where I want to know all of your budgeting, your crisis management planning, essentially everything that doesn't involve that lisping black guy you hired. He makes me uncomfortable.
Also, I'd like to know when that cute little editorial intern is in during the week. I'd like her to be the one who brings me my coffee.
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[Feb 4, 2008 * 3:06pm] |
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I'm going to need everyone to stay an hour late this week. The publishing deadline has been pushed up by a week. I hope this isn't an inconvenience for anyone.
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[Jan 7, 2008 * 1:06am] |
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Well, shit. I think the servers crashed.
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